The Trials and Tribulations of Rutherford the Unicorn Sheep

I recently came out with my first children's book: Rutherford the Unicorn Sheep Goes to the Beach. Cute, say the people that have picked one up so far (get your copy here!).

Well, last weekend I headed out to beautiful Western NY to do the photo shoot for the next book in progress: Rutherford the Unicorn Sheep... something to do with Beekeeping. It was fun, if tiring. I like hanging out with my parents, and of course I love doing bees with my Dad. But I encountered some difficulties I certainly didn't expect. 

1. My first batch of photos were entirely overexposed. Talk about stressful. I went back to the house after an hour and a half in the bee yard with some supposedly great photos, and sad, sad day, most of them looked like this: 

Very distressing. However, during the second half of the day, I fixed the issue and proceeded with much higher quality photos.

Lesson Learned: Buy a better camera and take some photography classes.

2. It was extremely hot. Now, I've worn a bee suit plenty of times in my life, but when you stop the work to take photos of everything that is happening, everything takes twice as long. This means wearing the bee suit for twice as long, not being able to drink water as often (due to the hat and veil), and still having to finish work despite the fact that you've been working all day. 

My Dad deserves a shout out at this point, for putting up with all my shenanigans, being patient and letting me taking a bajillion pictures of everything that was happening while I was simultaneously being less than helpful to him.

I got some great action shots of Dad looking all beekeeper-y.

Slightly warm would be an understatement, literally melting would be an overstatement.

We ended up getting a bunch of work done in the beeyard and also harvesting something like 50 pounds of honey. Not a huge amount, but still worthwhile. Plus it was gorgeous, light locust honey.

Lesson Learned: Drink more water and don't take pictures while doing bees in the middle of a hot summer day in a full bee suit.

3. I got stung. This is to be expected, when doing bees, particularly when you're like me and rather careless. I wore flipflops and one bee crawled up my pants and got me smack on the leg. The other one was an accident--I was balancing to take a picture and lost my balance and put my hand right down on a bee. Poor girl.

Bee stings are an interesting thing. There is a general sort of tension or fear of getting stung--even as someone who has been around bees my whole life--but once I got stung that second time, the tension completely went away. My dad says it goes away for him after the third sting, and he's been a beekeeper for decades.

This is the stinger that I pulled out of my leg. Pretty cool, huh? 

One time, when we were taking a colony out of a house, I got stung eleven times, but only the first three hurt. Apparently, I built up a temporary immunity to the venom. That's a nice feature of being a non-allergic human when you're harassing a well-built colony for hours. The swelling for my stings went down within a few hours, and the itching was gone by the end of the next day.

Lesson Learned: wear socks and shoes while beekeeping.

4. Skunks like to eat bees. This was definitely a problem. In addition to his hyper and excitable personality, I had to work extremely hard to prevent Wilfred the Walnut Skunk from eating every bee he came across. The Beekeeper was a great help in this regard, as Wilfred holds a great deal of respect for someone that can manage so many delicious snacks at once without giving into the temptation to binge. The Beekeeper assured him that he doesn't feel this particular urge, although bee venom is particularly banana-y, but Wilfred didn't really get it. Which is good, as it helped keep him in line.

At the end of the day, after Wilfred the Walnut Skunk had behaved himself, the Beekeeper did let him eat one drone. This was a huge treat, and the Beekeeper didn't mind as the drones are mostly useless.

He enjoyed the snack a great deal.

Lesson Learned: Don't take skunks into the bee yard.

5. I drove 8 hours for the photo shoot. Normally I try to combine trips like this with trips just to visit, but this time it didn't work out as I plan on releasing this book on September 19 at the Honey Harvest Open House in Howard, NY (put that on your calendar) and needed to move up my schedule. So I ended up driving 8 hours on a Tuesday afternoon, working in the bee yard for 1 day, and then leaving the next morning to drive back to NH. It was a loooong 3 days.

On the other hand, June is the absolute best time to visit upstate NY. Everything is green, the clouds are stunning, it's warm but not hot, cool but not cold, and generally the people are in a much better mood than any other time of year. Bonus plus: wild strawberries! Dad and I picked a few handfuls, and then my wonderful Grandma Sieling gave me 2 quarts of homegrown strawberries to take home with me. Double bonus plus: DUCKS! I love ducks.

It was definitely worth it.

Lesson Learned: Plan my business trips better and make time to have fun. 

Stay tuned for the release of the next Rutherford book - something about how he gets to go visit a beekeeper and meet bees! Or, you can see more sneak peek photos on Rutherford's own blog!

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Cat Memes from A to Z

It's Friday, so I'm going spend the next hour compiling a list of cat memes that in some way or another represent each letter of the alphabet, interspersed with some of the best, most relevant musical numbers from Phineas and Ferb. I came up with this idea in the middle of the night last night--I was dreaming about cats and the alphabet, so, good for me unconscious self.

And with no further ado...

A is for Airplane.

And for some in-flight entertainment.... Phineas and Ferb!

B is for Butter. And Biscuits. And Belly Rubs.

C is for Carl.

I know someone else named Carl.

D is for Dog.

A Platypus would be another useful pet.

E is for Elephant.

F is for Fast.

G is for Grills. And Grandparents.

Grandparents are the best. 

H is for Haters.

I is for Invisible.

J is for Jumping.

K is for Keyboard.

L is for Loaf.

M is for Meow. And Mere Cat.

N is for Ninja.

Already too late is right...

O is for Orange.

P is for Pie.

Q is for Quantum Mechanics.

R is for the Red Dot. 

Other red things include apples, clown noses, and rubber boots.

S is for Shoes.

More importantly, do the shoes have aglets?

T is for Tacos.

U is for Universe.

Phineas and Ferb go to space, make a moon farm, have a milkshake bar on an asteroid, help save aliens...

V is for Victorian. And Volume.

W is for Wet.

X is for X-Rays.

Y is for You.

Z is for Zombies.

In conclusion, adopt a cat and you will have cool internet pictures and an awesome roommate.

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The Umbrella Sonnet

Since I don't actually own an umbrella or own any photos of myself holding one, I opted to go outside and take this picture of me in the rain instead. I hope it is all you had ever hoped for.

In the spirit of digging through all of my old papers for yesterday's blog post, combined with the weather outside (gray, rainy, and cold), added to my new penchant for writing bad sonnets, I have decided to present to you The Umbrella Sonnet mentioned in yesterday's quiz, not once, not twice, but THRICE (that means three times)! Yes, such a treat.

The first rendition is that from my former self of old, the long forgotten college-age poetic genius I once was (this is sarcasm, btw). It fits into some structure that was not quite okayed by my lit professor. In other words, this is Draft 1.

Umbrellas

From my high perch I wake to see the rain
The breeze so softly carries wisps and traces
Of memories and of forgotten faces.
Below the ground bleeds with a coloured stain.
Circular wounds bleed on the crowded plain.
Flowing with the rain, battling time and space
They float towards their unnoticed hiding place.
They twirl and dance and dissipate as morning wanes.

My eyes effectively deceive! These wounds
Are not true wounds! Black, blue, red, white, and green
A myriad of colours, pattern'd blooms
Mix and match and blend a new and lovely screen
Harbor comfort from all the clouds that loom
O'er this glorious and momentary scene.

This rubber duck seems to be enjoying the rain a great deal. I think we should all strive to be a little bit more like this duck -- Philosophy by Ariele.

I cringed as I typed that. My thoughts went something like this: Is that how you spell wisps? Does the breeze really carry faces? Maybe I should've gone to the doctor. Or a scientist--something seriously seems to be wrong with the ground... OMG, I'm SO EXCITED THAT THE GROUND ISN'T ACTUALLY BLEEDING. "My eyes effectively deceive!" And 'pattern'd'! I really used the word 'Pattern'd'!

It doesn't even make sense.

Now let's take a gander at draft #2 with a format approved by my professor.

Umbrellas

From my high perch I wake to see the rain
Alighting on everything in my sight
I glance below and start with pure delight;
Spots cascade across the gray, wet plain.

These spots confuse my sleepy brain.
The colours blur, black, green, blue, yellow, white.
They move and dance in arbitrary flight,
Slowly dissipating as morning wanes.

I think, and then I finally can see
These spots that move gracefully without sound
Are quite common. I quite smile gleefully
For these instruments so petite and round
Protect the bearer from getting soggy
And look to be a sunset on the ground.

This one makes a little more sense at least, although I appear to have been easily confused back in the days of yore. Apparently, if you look down on umbrellas from above, they look like little colourful bubble ninjas running around everywhere. That said, I think it's much more boring than Draft 1. The metaphor that the earth is bleeding and my excitement over the fact that all is not as I imagined is much more interesting than this basic description.

I tried to get the rain in the sky behind me, but it mostly just looks like I'm confused and terrified that I'm being abducted by aliens. I guess the confusion didn't lessen with age.

So let's scurry on forward to the present day.

I give you this wonderful piece called "The Umbrella Sonnet," written by modern day Ariele (with an Ariele-approved structure), on the usefulness of an umbrella. In the air of transparency, I don't actually own an umbrella and perhaps I should never own one. I will leave that up to you to decide. 

At any rate, this poem was cobbled together with the hope that, at very least, it is more entertaining than my past self's versions. But seriously, counting syllables is hard although I am grateful that I only needed 10, as that is the same number as I have fingers. You should try writing a sonnet sometime. I dare you.

Anyway, enjoy :)

The Umbrella Sonnet

Umbrellas are good for so many things,
Like keeping hair dry or giving you wings
So you can fly on a wet, windy day,
And easily avoid car tire spray.

If you need to poke an enemy's eye,
An umbrella spike will let you be sly.
Umbrellas are good for clearing the way--
A live battering ram to part the fray.

Most importantly, an umbrella will
Look classy and rich with bowtie and twill,
Spats and a top hat, a cane and mustache,
And one last item--a large bit of cash.

You'll impress the ladies, men, and small kids
'Til the universe says you are lunch for a squid.

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Makers and Shakers - Words on Paper

Last weekend I had the privilege to speak at the annual Makers and Shakers summit in Somersworth, NH. The line-up of speakers was incredible, with presentations on everything from a local MMA start-up, to what libraries can do for you, to how print media still has value in the community.

I had been toying with an idea to somehow make the author and self-publishing industry relevant to people who don't care one wingnut about the industry as a whole, and I came up with several different speeches that hopefully do something relevant to that concept. The one I chose for this presentation was focused on how authors can help the community and how the community can help authors. Maximum time was 8 minutes, and I think I did a decent job.

The event overall was a great experience, and it's really cool to see all of the awesome things that are going on in the Seacoast, both in Portsmouth and beyond. It also served as a great networking event, and I forged a good number of new connections.

It's a free event, and I highly recommend attending next year.

Below is a video of my presentation, and underneath it, the transcript. Enjoy.

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Introduction by Vanessa: She is a freelance writer by day, and the founder of New England Independent Writers. She is a self-published scifi writer, with three novels and one children's book. She started writing as a child, and in her free time she likes to go swing dancing and explore the woods. Without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Ariele Sieling!

Ariele:  Thank you.

I'm going to start today by taking a quick poll. Raise your hand if you own an ereader of some sort: an iPhone, a Kindle, a Nook, an iPad, a tablet... most of you do, I would hope, at this point.

Second question: raise your hand if in the last year, you downloaded and read a book on your ereader. Excellent, glad to see so many readers in the audience. 

Last question: raise your hand if, after reading the book, you went online and wrote a review. Thank you (to the one person that raised their hand).

[Laughter. ]

Most people don't. An interesting statistic says that less than 10% of people who purchase a product will go online and write a review, but between 72% - 90% of people, depending on what study you read, will use reviews to decide whether or not to buy a product. That means that less than 10% of people are influencing how 72% of people choose how to spend their money. I think that's a pretty significant statistic. 

So, does it really matter if you write a review of a book, or a blender, or anything? I think it matters and I think it matters a lot.

Everybody tells stories. I tell stories--this is a picture of me with one my books. You tell stories, via Instagram or Facebook or whatever your preferred choice of medium is. Parents and teachers tell stories, politicians tell stories--even the news tells stories. But stories are just words on paper or a computer screen until somebody reads it, shares it, criticizes it--gives it a few minutes of their time.

And the stories that get the most support from their communities--those are the stories that make a difference.

At New England Independent Writers, we're all about stories. Our goal is to support independent storytelling via the medium of books, and our vision is to help local authors that are dedicated and strong to rise to the top of the industry.

What this means for us is that we're constantly looking for opportunities to find ways for local authors to connect with the local community. We do this in a variety of ways, like putting together an anthology of short stories by local authors, we might go to local events or festivals, or we might do presentations like I'm doing right now--but the goal is to help authors find the support and the criticism they need to tell stories worth telling. 

What this means for you is that you have direct access to some of the best storytellers in the community. You can influence what stories are told, and you can influence what stories end up making a difference. 

I spend a lot of time talking to people in the community, librarians in particular, trying to find ways for authors to connect with and give back to the local community. I would venture to say that connecting with the community, for any storyteller, is one of the most difficult, and possibly one of the most important things they can do. 

Let me illustrate with a story.

Once upon a time, there was a guy I met that wanted to be a writer. So he wrote a book. He self-published it on Amazon. He got one review--from his mom. And nobody knows who he is. He didn't get any community support. But he continued, and wrote two more books, and no one still knows who he is.

I'm going to tell a different story--wait let me clarify. His story was bad. It was not copy edited, poor plot structure, gratuitous violence--bad. 

Once upon a time, there was another guy who wanted to be a writer. He wrote a book, published it on Amazon, and got dozens of reviews. He wrote more stories, clumped them altogether in one book, and now he's a millionaire. His name is Hugh Howey, author of the popular dystopian book, Wool.

So what's the difference? Aside from the quality of the writing. They both wanted to be writers, they both self-published, they both wrote more books...

The difference starts with writing a story worth telling, and one of the stories was obviously not worth telling. But it takes off when it gets community support. 

Most authors that I know are somewhere between these two authors. I don't personally know any self-published millionaires, but I know plenty of authors that are making a living through writing, or at least supplementing their income pretty significantly. But there are still plenty of stories out there that are worth telling, but are lying dormant because their authors don't have the resources to access the community.

Every good story starts with an idea, as words on paper, as an empty canvas, or as a simple photo. And then the story needs community, resources, and time to grow.

So if you find a story that you love, I encourage you to find a way to support it, whether that means donating money, volunteering your time or skill set to give that story a larger impact, or sharing it with your friends and family.

It's like voting, except that instead of only one vote, you get as many votes as you're willing to put the time and energy into casting.

So why not start by writing a review?

Thank you.

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My Best Friend Sarah

Yesterday was National Best Friends Day (apparently this is a real day) and I decided that, to celebrate, I should write a belated post on my best friend, Sarah. I asked her permission and she said, "Sure :) is it going to be as scary as that picture of me? Ha!" I will leave that up to you to judge. 

Anyway, Sarah's pretty cool. She has cool hair. And a cool husband. And a cool house. And she sells stuff!

All you folks in upstate NY should go check out her stuff--it's at Mint Velvet in Corning.

Now I'm going to tell a story.

Once upon a time there were two bawling lumps of flesh (called babies in the colloquial) that were born a month apart. Then, three years later, give or take a few months, they met and decided to be friends. 

For the next several years they terrorized everyone they came across, from their parents to their brothers to their librarian, by reading a lot, playing dress-up, and building forts. (Now, when I say "several" years, I mostly mean the next 24 years because that's about how long it's been. Speaking of which, it's almost Sarah's birthday and I need to remember it. One of these days I'll put it on my calendar and my phone will remind me so I don't accidentally forget.)

I think it is important to note that these children in question were extremely attractive children. Case in point:

Sarah is on the left; Ariele is on the right; broccoli is in the middle. 

They liked to do photo shoots with vegetables, though neither of them can remember why. Here is another one: 

Those are some variety of pumpkins. Also my brothers are in this picture.

They also liked to play dress up, play with dolls, and read. Here are the results of their labors: 

Yup. Matching dresses. My mom made them. You can check out more by her here.

Also we went to The American Girl Place in Chicago. It was very fun.

Anyway, to make a really long and rambling story short, Ariele moved to NH (eventually) and Sarah got married. 

It was a vintage-themed shower so lots of people showed up wearing vintage dresses.

Let me break the 4th wall of this story and pat myself on the back for a minute: I threw Sarah a really fricking awesome wedding shower. I mean, just look at how happy she looks.

I made her open a bajillion presents in less than an hour (at least, that was the goal), via the method of jeopardy and threatened to steal her presents if her party-goers got any of the answers to my jeopardy questions wrong.

Some of the questions may or may not have included, "When did Sarah first cut her hair to look like George from Nancy Drew?" and "How many times has Sarah gotten stung by a bee at Ariele's house?" (Answer: a lot. We call her the bee-attracter because she gets stung just about every time she comes over.)

The end of the story probably won't come for a few more decades, so please stay tuned.

But in the meantime, there are a few things you should know about Sarah: 

• She makes good food, particularly out of apples we found on the ground in the woods
• She drinks a lot of smoothies
• She's married to Jordan, an A-list stud
• She does not sing
• She doesn't appreciate it when I give her dirty socks for her birthday
• She's hardcore for Jesus
• She always makes time to hang when I end up in the upstate
• She's a lot like my mom
• I wouldn't trade her for a bajillion dollars

In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, I definitely have a best friend worth celebrating on yesterday's beloved and arbitrary internet holiday: "National Best Friends Day."

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