My last long post was for myself and/or everyone, but this post is mostly for my white friends and family.
I’ll start with an offer: if you’re trying to learn how to be a better anti-racist, feel free to message me. I don’t know even close to everything, but I’m happy to talk to you and share resources. If you want to ask me if something is racist or not, go for it. I promise there will be no judgement on my end.
I’m also planning to start reading through the book White Fragility by Robin J DiAngelo in the next few weeks, so let me know if you’d like to read along and discuss.
When I first decided I wanted to make a difference in the world, specifically in regards to racial inequity in our country, my first step was to Google something along the lines of “how can I be a Black ally” and I was immediately overwhelmed. Keep in mind this was easily over a decade ago, and the information online is even more expansive now.
I was also overwhelmed by the “rules,” some of which at that time even seemed contradictory. It sort of felt like it didn’t matter what I did, I couldn’t do it right. You might have seen some of these pop up recently, but it was always, “Speak up, but not performatively.” “Stand up for black rights, but don’t make it about you.” “Demonstrate your support but don’t inject your own thoughts into the conversation; instead give Black voices a chance to be heard.”
Not only was I overwhelmed by the sheer number of options and rules, I also felt like I had to do and follow them all or I would be hurting the cause. Every single one. And I was so overwhelmed, my next step was complete inaction for a period of time. I then called my older brother, who gave me a list of books to read, which I read none of. Eventually, I decided to follow some Black-run Facebook pages and just start listening. I didn’t comment, I didn’t engage—I just read every post and the comments underneath.
Time passed, and I eventually realized that I had spent over two years consuming content written specifically by Black people and people of color, and I realized that a little bit at a time goes a long way.
Over that time, I had a few realizations that really helped me push forward:
--First, I realized I didn’t have to do all the things at once. One thing at a time was better than none at all. And, truthfully, I didn’t have to do all the things either. If I didn’t feel comfortable going to a protest, I didn’t have to. There are innumerable ways to provide support.
--I realized that changing my own mind came first. A lot of the “rules” like the ones I listed above are designed to prevent people from trying to “prove” that they are anti-racist or an ally, when they haven’t done the work inside their own heart and mind.
--Whatever stress I was feeling about doing or saying the right or wrong thing was tiny and insignificant compared to the pain, fear, and suffering black people experience every day.
--I learned to beware of and be aware of rhetoric, hyperbole, gaslighting, and false dichotomies.
--I learned to stop saying “but.” For example, “Yes, Black lives matter, but… police matter too.” “Black lives matter, but don’t all lives matter?” “Justice for George Floyd, but I just don’t think people should be rioting.” In fact, once I started paying attention to “buts” in my own head, I was amazed at how many there were. A lot of the “buts” had nothing to do with each other, anyway—they were just talking points I had heard somewhere and was repeating.
--I learned to listen to understand, not to listen to respond. The trick I found that helped me with this was starting from an attitude of trust. I’m not talking about the news or random listicles on random websites. I’m talking about real people. Reading what my Black friends were saying on social media, reading the articles they post. Reading conversations from real people and believing them. And back before I had any Black friends (I did grow up in Steuben County after all lol), I followed black influencers online.
--I learned that humility was required. I will never, ever be able to fully empathize, to fully understand and share the feelings of black people in our country. But I can sympathize and I can grieve with them and I can feel compassion. But because I can’t empathize, I have to be willing to be corrected. If I say or do a racist thing, I have to be willing to change, not get defensive, not get angry.
--I learned that having a racist thought does not make me a bad person—so long as I do everything in my power to counter those thoughts. If someone points out a micro aggression on my part, it does not make me a bad person—so long as I do everything in my power to understand what happened and not do it again. If I make a mistake, it is on me to pick myself back up and try again.
--I learned that picking apart the racism in my own head and trying to come to terms with my white privilege had a ripple effect throughout other areas of my life. The same strategies I used to pick apart my feelings about race could be used in areas like body image, identity, being female, relationships with my family/spouse, and more.
Mostly, I learned that I couldn’t just wake up one morning and decide I wasn’t going to be racist any more. I couldn’t just wake up and decide to be an anti-racist ally. I had to work at it every single day.
This work will never be completed. I can never change the fact that I was born and raised in a culture, a system, a country that prefers white bodies over black bodies. I can never unsee or unhear or unread racist comments, twisted news headlines, or inaccurate history. I cannot change what I learned and internalized as a child, a teenager, or even as an adult prior to now.
But I can counter racist thoughts in the moment. I can seek out a diverse community. I can believe Black people when they say they are suffering. I can unlearn cultural lies. And I can work towards making a world in which the next generation of children experiences true equality.
Being an anti-racist will require a lifetime of work. I can never do it perfectly, but I can also never stop trying.
If you got this far, lol, this is just a reminder that I’m happy to chat about any of this. Message me here, Instagram, email, discord. <3
In the meantime, there's some more super helpful information here:
