Tedx Piscataqua River--Be Unreasonable

Last Friday I had the privilege to attend Tedx Piscataqua River, a fun event with a lot of ideas and many interesting presenters. It was hosted at the new 3S Artspace in downtown Portsmouth, a great space, newly renovated, and perfect for the event. 

The Morning Half of the Day

The day started with the most amazing cinnamon buns. Wherever they came from, I highly recommend you acquire some as quickly as humanly possible. Tiny nuggets of cinnamon-covered joy.

First up on the docket for the day was a performer called Colors in Motion, an interesting collage of moving colors on a projector with music played on a synth. It was quite relaxing. Throughout the day there were two other performances--NEOTERIC Dance Collaborative with 7 Stages Shakespeare Co (Animating Shakespeare), and Ellyn Touchette, a poet performing Phenotypes of a Real Woman. Animating Shakespeare was beautiful, but I have to say, for some reason I really liked the way they combined the music with the voice over reading. Very appealing. And the Phenotypes of a Real Woman was surprising, engaging, and profound.

I do not remember what kind of fish it was, but all fish are pretty weird, right?

Up next, a weird fish. Sam Hayward did a fascinating piece on how the way food tastes is specific to where it grows. One noticeable example was when he noticed the difference in taste of herbs between Maine and California--his reasoning was that the plants grew stronger and more potently in New England because there were so many bugs they had to fight off (no bugs where he visited in CA). He also brought show and tell ocean life: hence my comment about weird fish. (It was a really weird fish, with a huge mouth.)

Now, I'm jumping a little out of order here, but Von Diaz did another presentation on food later on in the day. Hers was vaguely similar to Sam's, but she focused on her experiences growing up half in Puerto Rico and half in Georgia, and how although she felt out of place in both locations, food gave her a sense of grounding in both. She made the claim that what you like to eat is inextricably tied to your own history and how you grew up.

Sara Curry gave a fascinating presentation on yoga and how it can help the healing process. She pointed out that nowadays people are tied to their desks and not move for days at a time, practically; but our bodies were made for movement. As a result, we almost injure ourselves by not moving. Hot yoga, in her experience, has helped dozens of people heal from insane illnesses--a debilitating back injury for herself, fibromyalgia, etc. It made even me consider trying yoga. We shall see, we shall see... (but I probably won't blog about it).

The event boasted 3 videos from other Ted events, one of which I have included here: star shades and telescopes (obvs on my list of favs). The other two were Photos That Give Voice to the Animal Kingdom, and Teach Teachers How To Create Magic (learn to teach by going to black church, also my favourite kind of church!).

The Middle Half of the Day

Be nice to bees!

One of my favourite presentations was by Dr. Sandra Rehan, called The Secret Lives of Native Bees. The reason I found her presentation so fascinating is because the majority of what I know is about honey bees (given that my dad is a beekeeper) and she called out some of the fascinating and wonderful things about other kinds of bees. I could probably write an entire post just on her presentation, but I will suffice it with just a few fun facts: 

• There are 20,000 species of bees in the world.
• There are 4,000 species of bees in the US.
• There are 200 species of bees that live locally.
• There are large and small carpenter bees.
• Small carpenter bees live inside the stems of blackberries and rose bushes. Yup. That's how tiny they are.

Those are just a few fun facts, but her presentation was awesome, and her diagrams, equally awesome.

Next was Martha Stone, the director of a local homeless shelter. This presentation pointed out how most homeless people don't look like the stereotypical homeless person. She gave stories of different people with different needs - one guy just needed a place to stay until he could save up enough money to put down a deposit and pay his first month's rent. A family with three kids came in with medical needs because both parents had lost employment; an older veteran with only a car to his name came needing medical care, but was unable to work (they found him a place at a nearby VA). Real people, real needs.

Meredith Bennett was the producer for the Colbert Report (moving with Colbert to the Late Night Show). She spoke on how the reason she got as far as she did, and the reason the Colbert Report got as far as it did was because they always said yes--to taking this job, to filming in Iran, to presenting at Piscataqua River presumably. 

Latter Half of the Day

19-year-old entrepreneur and inventor TJ Evarts (only a few more years and everyone will stop waxing eloquent about his age!) talked about kidpreneurs and how youths are coming forward with ideas, and how they need more space in the classroom to be able to pursue the education of entrepreneurship. He pointed out (quite rightly, if I might add) the best way to learn is by doing, and explained that the best education he got was teaching himself to do things that were necessary to his entrepreneurial goals, and also that trying to be an entrepreneur is an education in and of itself. 

Matthew Loper spoke about Youth Harnessing Religion for Peace. He worked at a camp for children of all religions to be exposed to other children of other religions--Muslim, Christian, and Jewish. His stories were moving, and the pictures beautiful, and he spoke of how he hopes one day, adults can approach religion with the open-mindedness and curiosity that the children he worked with had.

How We Fall In and Out of Love With Our Buildings by Reagan Ruedig was an interesting presentation on buildings, and what it means to be "historic" or "ugly". She gave examples of styles she finds attractive but that her mother finds ugly, and urged us to let the next generation decide whether or not to keep buildings that are only one generation old.

Probably the most meaningful to me at this point was How to Get a Book Deal by Aimee Molloy, and not because I have any interest in getting a book deal. It was most meaningful because her main theme was to "be unreasonable." If you have a goal, do everything you can to pursue it, even if it's risky. Aimee Molloy is a successful ghost writer for many well-known books and celebrities (think, John Kerry and Rosewater). She gave examples from her own life about how she did seemingly crazy things (like quitting her job with no other recourse) to pursue her dreams, and through hard work and sheer luck she got it done by being unreasonable. It was very inspiring.

Round Up (not the pesticide though--poor bees)

It was overall a fascinating, educational, and riveting day. In addition to listening to these amazing speakers and performers, I also met some great people, had some good ideas (mainly for the next presentation I have to do), and enjoyed being a freelancer to the fullest ;)

Adventures of a Freelancer: Check Fraud!

There are suspicious people everywhere in the world. Case in point:

There are even more suspicious people on the internet, as I'm sure you know. People who are not normally suspicious suddenly become much more so when their fingers hit the keyboard.

Well, today I'd like to introduce you to my dear friend Matt. Or Joseph. Or John. Or Jacob. I met him on the internet, through a freelancers' site called People Per Hour (PPH). Keep in mind that I have had legitimate jobs through this site, so the site itself is not the perpetrator, although fault is a fickle thing.

Matt-Joseph-John-Jacob (Jingleheimer Smith) was offering a pretty solid job: $1000 for a series of 400 - 500 word articles on food and cuisine. So I applied, offering to write 30 - 40 articles for that amount of money, which would nicely cover the cut that PPH takes from my overall earnings. 

The buyer (who at this point was named Matt) contacted me and said he was interested in my proposal, and could I please email him at josephbutt@outlook.com. So I complied, and sent an email to Joseph which reiterated my initial proposal.

The name difference in the email vs. his profile name was my first hint, but I assumed it was a company, and that Matt was an underling sent to find potential freelancers, while Joseph was the one making the actual decision. 

I received a very friendly reply which provided hints #2, #3, and #4 that this gig was not all it was cracked up to be.

Hint #2: The person corresponding signed the email as John (We are now at Matt-Joseph-John).

Hint #3: Friendly John explained that he would only need 15 articles for $1000, not the 40 that I offered. My mom pointed out during our discussions about this gig, that someone who was in a hurry and just need the articles done, might offer more than they were worth, just for the speed. Maybe, maybe not.

But her theory aligned with his note: 

I will pay you $1000 for it in total, because I want you to do a good job and take ur time to do it and I want to make sure we deal directly to make it work fast. 

He needs someone else to do his writing for him. This much is evident.

Hint #4: He wanted to overnight the check to me before I started doing the work. On what planet could this be beneficial to an employer? 30% maybe, okay, but the full amount? Not only that, but he wanted to work outside PPH, which means that I'm not protected and it's against PPH policy.

Another excerpt:

Pls let me have ur name and address with phone number to send u a check for the payment today by UPS overnight delivery after you have the payment, you can then start  with the articles. The articles will be delivered by E-Mail after completion.

After much deliberation, I sent him my address. I figured that on the chance he was a scammer or a creep, he could find me online pretty easily anyway, especially now that I own property; and, on the chance that he was for real, I'd be $1000 richer. Also, if he was a scammer, I could take the chance to warn other potential PPH writers.

Then he started calling. I think he called 10 times before I emailed him and told him to knock it off and not to send me the check. I had already contacted him through PPH, but apparently he and "Matt" weren't talking any more. 

But the real kicker came in the form of (how much more obviously check fraud can you get?) this: 

I will be on a trip today,Something just came up. I will send u the check  of $4000 out today as well, You are to deduct your charges and you will help me get the rest of the funds to my Publisher to publish the Articles

It's like they're not even trying. I know people get into trouble with check fraud all the time, but it's usually on emotional stuff, right? "I'm sending you this money but, oh crap, my secretary made it out for the wrong amount and do you mind sending me the difference back? I'm so sorry to be an inconvenience, yada, yada" or "My son is in the hospital in the Cayman Islands with severe form of amputation and needs money, could you please wire the difference?" Etc. etc.

But I didn't fall for it. Good for me.

I did get the check though. It looked a little real, except that they used regular copy paper to print it, had it sent from a resort that exists in Belize, but with the address in Colorado. They did match up the routing number for the bank they listed, though, so that was "clever" I suppose. 

So where does "Jacob" come in? you ask.

Right here. On the envelope. It was posted from Buffalo, NY (Not San Francisco where all the phone calls were coming from, or Colorado as the address on the check listed, or Belize like the resort they picked for their "business"), by a person named Jacob. 

It seems like a lot of work for them to go through for a mere $3000, but apparently (according to my 5 minutes of internet research), more and more people are falling for these scams every day.

A report by the National White Collar Crime Center shows that: 

• According to the National Check Fraud Center, “check fraud and counterfeiting are among the fastest growing problems affecting the nation's financial system, producing estimated annual losses of $10 billion and continues to rise at an alarming rate annually.”
• According to a report issued by the American Banker, an industry banker’s magazine, “losses from check fraud will grow by 2.5 percent annually in the coming years.”
• According to a study conducted by Ernst & Young, 500 million checks are forged annually in the U.S., resulting in losses of $10 billion. TEN BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.
• Recent reports suggest that check washing alone accounts for approximately $815 million lost every year in the United States.

A lot of this fraud is committed is against commercial businesses, but NBC reported that: 

• According to a survey released Wednesday by the Consumer Federation of America (CFA), nearly a third of all adult Americans have been approached with fake check scams and at least 1.3 million have fallen for it.

1.3 million people times my potential $3000 loss comes out to: 3.9 billion dollars (assuming I counted my zeros correctly). Either way, it's a lot of money.

In conclusion, NEVER WIRE MONEY to an unknown entity. ESPECIALLY, if someone sends you money first. It's a scam. 

Now, for all of you who are worried about my personal safety because I got a fake check in the mail and gave some random group of scammers my house address and phone number, don't worry. I called the police and followed their instructions. They said I don't have anything to worry about and to shred the check.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Never wire money. And if anyone emails you from josephbutt@outlook.com... block him. 

Build Your Summer Reading List with Ducks

It's summer!  Time to get a move on with that summer reading list! What else are you going to do with the beautiful clear blue skies, the warm breezes, and the brand new hammock in your back yard? 

I, for one, have been making the most of the beautiful weather. I'm reading one book (a doorstopper fantasy) while at the gym, another book (educational) while on my lunch break, and a variety of other books (fun fiction) whenever I can fit in reading in the rest of the time.

But maybe you don't know where to get started this year. Let me help you out. There are as many different types of books as there are ducks (trust me, I know). There are also a multitude of excellent books that were published last year. I'm going to give you a handful of ones I enjoyed. (And I promise not to start with my books, though I can't promise there won't be at least one mention).

Type of Book #1: Hilarious

Think of each of these ducks as a horde of gold. If I purchase one, and then send a raiding party to go get it, how many ducks will fly at their faces angrily?

We all need a good laugh now and again--in fact, I hear it's good for you. So a hilarious beach read might just help you relax.

We begin with Orconomics by J Zachary Pike. A homeless dwarf befriends a Goblin, and as a result gets selected to team up with a raiding party that is sent off on an impossible quest. This book satires global economics through the buying and selling of monster hoards. Although I read this book last summer, it sticks in the mind as a fun romp, and I recommend you check it out, especially if you enjoy fantasy books, video games, or LARPing.

Type of Book #2: Dark

There tend to be a lot of thugs in dystopian societies.

Sometimes the sun is too bright, and the air is too hot and muggy, and even though it's still summer, we kind of want to go back into our caves. In this case, dark, dystopian literature should be quite appealing.

My next pick is The Internal Defense Series, by Zoe Cannon. The most recent book, No Return, was released last year, but I recommend starting with Book 1, The Torturer's Daughter. The series follows the life of a young woman named Becca, who is struggling to understand her own traitorous mind in a world where saying the wrong thing automatically labels you as a dissident, or terrorist. Ideas are the most powerful thing in this world, and ideas are the one thing she shouldn't be having. Will she have the courage to do what's right in a world where what's right is wrong and what's wrong is right?

I know the answer to this question, but I shan't give away any spoilers. Go check it out. A great dystopian read for when life gets a little too happy. 

Type of Book #3: Wibbly Wobbly

...this duck is traveling... in time... right?

Who doesn't love a little time travel? I certainly do. Time travel let's you do something that no other genre does--it lets you visit the whole of history inside the covers of one book. Well, I guess history books do that too, but time travel books are a lot more fun.

The Ruby Red Trilogy by Kerstin Gier is my most recent scifi time traveling choice. A weepy teenage girl cursed with the genetic privilege of randomly being forced back in time whenever her genes decide they want makes for a fun, funny, and fantastic ride. There are three books in the trilogy (and once again I advise you start at the beginning).

Type of Book #4: Fantasy

I'd take that duck too. Looks like a pretty sweet duck.

Life is good, life sucks, life is boring, life is fine--but rarely is life magical. And that's why we have fantasy novels, ladies and gentlemen! Sit back and enjoy a little sorcery and intrigue this summer. Escape from the world of the mundane. Screw normality.

The Elements of Sorcery is Christopher Kellen's newest work. Hobbled together from a series of novellas, this omnibus is a romp through a dark fantasy world from the perspective of the cowardly and sassy Moncrief, who is trying desperately to gain more power, while the Arbiters around him are trying to fix their dying world. It's a little dark, and a bit funny, and filled with sorcery and towers and swords and things. 

Type of Book #5: My Books!

Or maybe I'll take this duck instead. MOM, CAN I HAVE THIS DUCK? ;)

Okay so, maybe "my books" isn't exactly a type of book (or maybe it is, depending on how deep you want your classifications to go), but I think they'd make for a good summer read. I've read them all (gasp! surprise, surprise. no way!), and they're all a bit different. If you're looking for a world-hopping adventure, definitely check out The Wounded World. My two main characters visit all sorts of different planets in that one. 

The Clock Winked is currently ON SALE WOOO, so if you want to check that one out, it's a bit of a lighter book that mostly takes place in a bookstore. A couple of teenagers investigate a centuries old mystery and end up in a lot more trouble than they bargained for.

The Lonely Whelk is my older brother's favourite. I think it's definitely more for the nerdy type. Think: a spaceship traveling close to the speed of light, a few crooks trying to steal a new piece of technology on their home planet, and a magical (NOT, because it's science fiction) connecting of the dots between the two primary settings.

If I had to pick a favourite, I'd probably go for.... I don't even know. The Wounded World. That one. Take it or leave it.

Now, I leave you with one final question: what books will you read this summer?

Camp Nano = Success!

This month I participated in Camp NanoWrimo. This event is similar to the regular NanoWrimo, except that instead of writing 50,000 words in a month, you get to pick your word count. I chose 25,000 words, because I thought that was a reasonable goal, achievable, and it would get me a bit ahead on my current project. Also, since I didn't quite beat Nano last year (for the first time!), I felt like I needed another challenge.

I was less consistent about writing every day than I like to be, but I was able to make up the difference on a regular basis anyway. During Camp, they put you together with a group of other people who are also writing, called your cabin. Our cabin didn't do quite so well.

As you can see, I still have a couple of days left to write, and I very well might. I ended at 25,753 words this morning, and it would be great to get a couple thousand more in before the weekend. After all, the book's not done yet!

But, since I have accomplished so much this month, I'd like to share a little bit of that with you. Without further ado, please welcome the first ever, rough draft excerpt of my next project which is as of yet unnamed: 

     A red splash of ketchup streaked across the vid screen; a bright green grass stain now blossomed across the bottoms of the white curtains, and each shelf in the room boasted one yellow fighter jet. Ripped shirts, a spilled cup of cranberry juice, crayon markings on the walls--it was a work of art, also known as a horrendous mess that needed to be cleaned up in… Jade glanced at the clock. Less than 20 minutes.
     Sighing, Jade sprang to her feet and began to race around the room, grabbing fighter jets and throwing them in the toy bin, squirting the walls with a rather noxious cleaning solution, and slipping the torn shirts into the laundry where hopefully they wouldn't be noticed. She stopped to stare woefully at the grass stains on the curtains--how had that even happened?--and decided to let the maid deal with it. After all, cleaning was their job. Her job was children. 
     A door slammed, and Jade jerked her head up, holding some sort of toy sort awkwardly. She was home. 
     She took a deep breath and surveyed the room. Even though she knew they would hardly notice any mess, she still felt the need for it to be perfect. 
     "Jade!" Natasha's high-pitched voice rang out. "Yoohoo! I'm home!"
     She was home early. Jade flopped into one of the big stuffed living room chairs and responded, "I'm in here!" She hoped that she hadn't missed any major catastrophes in the kitchen or bathroom, but there wasn't much she could do about it at this point.
Natasha sashayed into the room wearing very fitted white jeans, a loose shirt slathered with pink and yellow stripes, and gaudy earrings that hung down to her collarbone. If the loud jangling from her five thousand arm bracelets didn't alert you to her arrival, the blinding glare from the perfectly polished hardware on her designer purse certainly would. 
     "Did I tell you?" Natasha jumped right into her end-of-day storytelling. "Tina 1 went on a second date with that lavish young man she met at the opera last week, and she found out that he actually is an accountant! Can you believe it? That explains the money!" She laughed, a tinkling peal that mimicked a banjo pick pulled over harp strings.
    "Good for her," Jade  exclaimed pleasantly, willing her exhausted body to sit up a little straighter in front of her employer. "Did you have a nice time playing tennis today?"
    "Oh yes! Of course Tiffany B. and Tiffany K. won--they always do--but Tina 1 and I always have more interesting chats!" She fluffed her already fluffy hair and sat down on the couch. "How were my little darlings today?"
     "Angels," Jade responding, inwardly criticizing herself for lying. Unfortunately, she had tried telling the truth a few times, and it only made things more awkward. Of course, how could she think that Natasha's little darlings weren't perfect? They were made from Natasha's DNA after all! "We went to the park, played with fighter jets, and er…" she glanced up, catching another streak of ketchup on the ceiling. "...had hot dogs for lunch. They're at Mike and Tina 2's house right now, playing with their boys."
     "Oh that is just perfect!" Natasha exclaimed. "I am utterly exhausted. Thank you so much for helping out today. Here is a little tip to get you through the week until you get the check. You deserve to relax tonight! Then, in the morning, Todd and I want to have a little chat with you. Say around 9?"
     Jade froze for a moment. A talk? What on earth could this be about? She tried not to panic and put a pleasant smile on her face. "Of course, 9 will be perfect." Then, like a robot, she reached out for the $100 bill that Natasha held out. "Thank you."
     "Alright dear!" Natasha stood with a flourish. "See you in the morning!"
     Through the living room, past the kitchen, and out the side door Jade walked in a fretful worried daze. A faithful employee for three years, she logically deduced that she had nothing to worry about. But what if… what if they found someone else? A long lost relative. A more qualified nanny. A… dingo. Natasha was definitely the type to hire a wild dog to watch her children if there was an article somewhere that recommended it. Jade shook her head, trying to loosen the fear and wildly imaginative scenarios playing out in her head. 
     She entered her abode, a three-room apartment above the garage. It had a massive bedroom with a huge king-size bed and a walk-in closet, a kitchen/living room combo that included a dishwasher and dining room table, and a bathroom with a jetted tub. Just this apartment was worth the terrors of the little children next door. Scratch that. Just this tub was worth the terrors of the little children next door.
     Taking a deep breath, she locked the door behind her, lit some candles, and began to fill the tub. In a few hours, it would all be over and either she would be living on the street (unlikely given the savings from this well-paid gig) or still employed. 
     The hot water was just below scalding and she sighed with relief as she immersed herself. This should be a requirement for all nannying jobs, she thought, particularly when she was responsible for boys like Chase and Wire. Twins, rambunctious, and always ready to rock and roll. She enjoyed her job, but it was exhausting. 
    With that thought, she drifted off into a calm doze.

*****

     The next morning, Jade dressed up a little. It wasn't that she thought they would care what she was wearing, it was that wearing one of her nicer shirts, her skinny jeans, and heels would make her feel more confident. She threw a pair of flats into her purse though, because she had a feeling the boys would be just as wild today as they were yesterday.
    She strolled through the garden between her luxurious nanny's apartment and the massive main house, and waved at the gardener. Leroy was an extremely kind older gentleman who had worked for Natasha's parents before he worked for them. He kept the gardens looking beautiful and he always had something pleasant to say, but Jade had wondered more than once if he also buried bodies on the property.
     When she strolled into the kitchen, she could hear the boys playing a video game in the other room. She sighed inwardly, because whenever Natasha let them play video games in the morning, that was all they wanted to do for the rest of the day and it put them in the mood of little angry badgers.
    Natasha and Todd sat at the table eating bacon and eggs that Rinaldo had cooked, and looked up as Jade walked in. She grimaced a little. 
    "Morning!" she said, trying to sound cheerful and not like the little knots in her stomach were actively trying to convince her to throw up.
    "Oh there you are, dear," Natasha exclaimed, a broad smile washing across her heavily made-up features.
    Todd grunted. 
     "We just had a little something we wanted to ask you." She dabbed at the corner of her mouth with a hideous yellow napkin that matched splendidly with the other hideous yellow things in the kitchen. "Sit down!"
    Jade sat down, feeling a little less nervous. They didn't seem upset or angry.
    "We're going on vacation," Natasha continued without pause.
    Jade let out her breath. That was all. They wanted her to watch the house or keep the kids or something while they were gone. Easy enough. Relief filled every bone.
    "We're going to the Leffington Orbiting Resort on Madsen." 
     Jade's eyebrows shot up. She knew they had money, but this? "Wow."
    "Oh, I know!" Natasha practically glowed. "It's going to be wonderful! An absolutely unforgettable experience. Todd for one can't wait to go no-gravity golfing! They say it's very dangerous!"
    Todd grunted. 
    "Anyway, we'd like you to come with us!"
     Jade's jaw dropped. She was sure she looked like an idiot, just gaping and not saying anything. "You… you…" she took a deep breath, "...want me…?"
     "Well, we were talking about it," Natasha began what was likely to be a very long explanation, "and we thought it would be a great experience for the boys--one they might never have again, in fact! But personally, I would like to enjoy my time in the space station and not have to worry about them running off, getting into things, or just being stressed in general. And we thought, you've been a wonderful nanny, that maybe you would like to go with us! We would of course pay for lodgings and the time spent watching the kids, and we would schedule a few nights off so you could explore the resort as well, but that would allow us to take a family vacation without the stress! Oh, and we also decided to give you an allowance to buy some new things for yourself for the trip--bathing suit, cocktail dress, whatever you need. We don't want this trip to be a burden on your finances."
     A family vacation without the family part, Jade thought wryly to herself, but she was still too shocked by the invitation to dwell on it. 
    "So, will you come?" Natasha grinned at Jade, and Jade knew that she knew that Jade was going to say yes. After all, how could she say no? The phrase, "trip of a lifetime" described it perfectly. 
    "Yes," Jade responded simply. "Just let me know when you want to go."
    "Oh wonderful!" Natasha exclaimed, clapping her hands. "I'm just thrilled, you know. The boys will have so much fun. It's going to be wonderful."
     It crossed her mind then that if she had said no, the boys would be staying here. Jade mentally shook her head. If only she could find a way to communicate to Natasha what it meant to be a family. But that wasn't her job. Her job was to keep the boys alive and happy, and that was what she intended to do.

Happy Birthday, Terry Pratchett

In honor of Sir Terry Pratchett's birthday, I give you my favourite quote from him: 

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

...an hour and a half later...

The more effort I put into trying to write this post, the sadder I get, so I'm going to keep it short. I have never respected an author more than Terry Pratchett, from his amazing works of fiction to his ability to produce book after book to his fight with Alzheimer's. So, I've collected a few gifs from my favourite moments from the The Colour of Magic and The Light Fantastic movies, and combined them with some great quotes.

Happy Birthday, Sir Terry Pratchett.

"In a distant and second-hand set of dimentsions, in an astral pane that was never meant to fly... see... Great A'Tuin the turtle comes, swimming slowly through the interstellar gulf...He thinks only of the Weight. 

"Most of the weight is of course accounted for by... the four giant elephants upon whose braod and star-tanned shoulders the disc of the World rests, garlanded by the long waterfall at its vast circumference and domed by the baby-blue vault of heaven."

-Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic

"The massive wooden chest, which he had last seen resting solidly on the quayside, was following on its master's heels with a gentle rocking gait... there were lots and lots and little legs."

-Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic

"HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMANS. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE."

-Death, Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

"The important thing about having lots of things to remember is that you've got to go somewhere afterwards where you can remember them, you see? You've got to stop. You haven't really been anywhere until you've got back home."

-Twoflower, Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic